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A Public Matter

Every day once the two minute bell rings, I begin my jog past the boy attempting to get to second base with his girlfriend at the bottom of the main stairwell, almost run into the couple playing tonsil hockey in front of the principals and finally sidestep the guy frisking his girlfriend up against the window of the second floor. Yes, love is in the air, but our hallways are being polluted by PDA or Public Display of Affection.

As the after effects of Valentine’s Day linger and prom plans begin to form, everyone becomes desperate for a little love. Some are more desperate than others which explains why we have groping, slobbering and sensual actions just short of intercourse occurring in the hallways.

I once encountered a couple displaying PDA similar to that of a mother bird feeding her newborn chicks. The male tilted the head of the innocent female back and inserted his tongue directly into her mouth. Being the hungry chick she was, she attempted to swallow the slimy object.

Despite how disgusting this may sound, there I was standing in the shadows staring mouth wipe open, not because I wanted to be fed, but instead in a disgusted state of shock.

Now I understand some of your lovers are on leashes by either their parents or the law, so school becomes the only time you have to see them. In these situations at least have the decency to take your hormone enraged actions some place where your fellow students do not have to witness them. The black box, the dark room and underneath the stairwell have all provided good make out spots for couples who just can’t wait until the final bell.

Over the years I have found ways to contain these crude acts of love. For example, go right up to an engaging couple and whisper a perverted comment directly into their ear. Adding a Jim Carrey’s “Cable Guy”-like lisp adds to the awkwardness of the situation. Saying simple things like “Oh, I bet that’s nice” or “Do you mind if I hop in?” will leave the mates feeling uncomfortable and hopefully postpone their mating session until after school.

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