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Love, Sex aur Shaadi

As wedding season approaches, and as droves of friends,colleagues, and cousins get hitched, I can’t but write this note. It is, as Mary Schimch says in her famous speech ‘Wear Sunscreen’,  “Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.”

So – here is my take on love, sex and shaadi (not exactly in that order)

 

1.       Friends Forever

They say you can’t be friends with your spouse—what nonsense I say. Often in our worlds of no time and much to do—the maximum time you spend, you spend with your better half. So learn to be friends, and treat each other like equals. Talk, discuss,and criticize. Cuddle for sure, but also learn to express yourself and to accept what comes from the other end with an open mind. Yes, you will have other friends, yes you might not share everything with your spouse, but only when you learn to be friends can this journey be a comfortable one.

 Love Sex and Marriage


2.       Romancing love

So you are a romantic. You leave flowers at your partner’s desk, love notes in the cupboards and buy little gifts for no reason whatsoever. And you are bewildered, and maybe a little upset when there are no surprises waiting for you.

Well,let’s face facts—some of us are the romantics—the rest of us are not.

If you want something—sometimes –you will have to get the wheels rolling yourself—hint, drop comments, and sometimes just plain ask.

What you must remember though through all this, is that love and romance, they are two different things.

Romance is candy floss. It’s nice to have.

Love is like bread and butter--- we need to have it.

One morning you will wake up late to find that your partner has already made breakfast, and washed the clothes and done the dishes (ok—maybe that’s stretching it a bit too far)—and that my dears is love.

Like when you partner lets you sleep through the night but wakes up twice or thrice to feed the baby.

Or when your partner presses your feet, or clears the garbage, or finds that earring you thought was lost.

I will choose love over romance every time.

 

3.       Sexing it up

Sex is what makes the world go around. Well that’s only if you know what you want.

And only if you've learnt to give as well as receive.

So if you don’t know---read, experiment (safely) and be ready to try something new.

You can’t have plain vanilla every day---so spread out your wings, let go of all that shyness and have fun!

 

4.       Baby makes three

It surprises me that in this age of information, where you can find so many different types of contraception, people still get pregnant when they were not planning to.

Talk about contraception; don’t just assume that your spouse will take care of it.

If you don’t like one kind--- try another—there are so many options that it is mind boggling.

I have nothing against babies, but if you are newly married, there needs to be time for you to grow as a couple. A baby while the cutest thing on earth, demands time, and that effectively means no time for the both of you.

 

5.       Two “I”s make a “WE”

All of us are individuals. We have our own thoughts, tastes, likes and dislikes. We even have our own hobbies and pastimes. Changing your whole persona when you marry is foolish and will make you –well not you anymore. Keep the same thing in mind when you expect your spouse to change—it’s not going to happen—at least not in one day.

People do change, relationships do change—but over a period of time—and usually the change is gradual.

So you might have a spouse who only ate Indian finally venturing out to eat Chinese.

But if you expect your curd hating spouse to drink lassi just because you do—well you are dreaming.

Don’t give up your “I” space—it makes you who you are.

However learn to have a “WE” space. Do things as a couple—meet your spouse halfway, after all—that’s’ why you got married didn't you?

 

6.       Learning to let go

Sometimes things don’t work. Marriages are not set in stone. And stupid FB posts which talk about a couple married for 80 years really don’t apply to every couple on the block.

If you have trouble, talk, take help, meet councilors, and take a break.

And if you are still unhappy, discontent—learn to let go.

Even if you have kids—they will be better with two happy and content parents living separately than two unhappy ones living together.

 

Finally, marriage is what you make it. Try not to compare your marriage to others—you never know what lurks beneath the covers. And don’t be too harsh while judging others on their marriages—you have not walked in their shoes.

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