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Some people need help but fail to ask

All relationships go through difficult times. Somewhere along the way what would have been a union made in heaven turns out to be disharmony in the hallways of hell.

It is to be expected that there will be disagreements "teet and tongue bong meet" the old people used to say. What is certainly true is that many good relationships can be saved if only the people involved were willing to get the help needed.

It is very rare that two people can hit it off without a hitch for years. Doctors need a doctor and even counsellors need counselling.

Why is it people need help and fail to ask? Well. Often, for some of us men, we tend not to trust people.
People just like to know your problems and they cannot or will not do anything about it. It is a good advice by the way "never tell your problems to people who cannot help you. There is a 'commess' factor in our Tobago society as I am sure there is in many others. Our challenge is the fact that Tobago is small and news travel faster than the speed of light.

Many people suffer in silence because confidentiality is an endangered word. To be truthful, most men do not trust women to keep a secret. In fact most women do not even trust other women to keep a secret. Not that men are too far behind if you ask me.

That, coupled with the ego of a man that wants to give the impression that we are on top of things and we are in control. It is hard to admit to others that we do not have as much control on our personal relationships as we wanted to portray. Some relationships are only a fa├žade.

It appears good to others but only those in it really know of what quality it is made or lack thereof. The charade could be for many reasons, some good, some bad, depends on how you look at it.

Pretending everything is alright may be to spare the children the pain and negative impact, it may be because of the status of one of the partners in society, profession, position in church circles or because one fears the prospect of separation.

There are some who are already separated and still living in the same house. They are just as brothers and sisters or house owner and maid, don't doubt me. Why do these people fail to ask for help? Well, one party might be willing, but the other may not. So therefore the willing one may conclude that it makes no sense. I do not agree with that by the way. If one is willing he or she can seek help and learn how to best deal with the circumstances.

The change in reaction or the revealed way to reach the inner person of the other half could make a big difference. It however still cannot beat having both parties involved.

Oh yeah. I was talking about why some people fail to get help for their troubling relationship. This should not shock you, but actually there are some who say they want the relationship to work, but in reality, deep down they do not. Some people take long to realise that the relationship is dead and over.

This may be possible evidence of how out of touch the hopeful partner may be about the status of the relationship. It is hard to understand how one partner could be at a stage of feeling that the relationship is over, caput, done with, stone dead and the other partner never knew that.

One has given up, fed-up, surrendered, tried to long, to hard, to often to fight up still. They are exhausted and tired. It may not be that they have another relationship or want another one; it may be just too much of nothing in this one. When one partner reaches this stage of lethargy, only miracles work after that, just a hint to those who push their luck to far.

The most loving person has his or her limits. One day you come home and your spouse is gone. They left and took everything except the paint on the walls.

I know that some people get really mad if their spouse seeks counselling. I am hazarding a guess that mostly men resent this strenuously, but there are benefits to going brave for help if you want to keep the relationship.

1. For your own sanity. Counselling does not have to be for the relationship only, it could be to prevent you from going staring screaming mad. Pressure needs a vent in order for it to be released and talking to someone, a confidant, a friend may make the difference. When thoughts of suicide cross your mind you know that you need urgent and sensitive attention. Do not be afraid or intimidated to seek it. Love yourself enough.

2. To know which way to turn. We reach crossroads in our lives and there are pros and cons for each turn. One day we decide we are going right, the next day we get a 'vaps' and we going left. We walk out today and next two weeks we are back in the same old despicable situation and we ask ourselves why is our life going in quick dizzy circles.

3. To ensure that we have done all we can for reconciliation. One of the reasons people keep going back after leaving is because they tell themselves that they may have been a bit too hasty or that they did not give it their all to solve the problem or they were promised change and the one promising did not live up to the promise. Seeking help before gives you a chance to do all that is possible to reconcile.

If you have to leave your conscience is clear and it has been well thought out and the implications and consequences are understood.

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